Seasons

Wow! It's been almost I year since I last wrote on here. Almost a year since I've even looked at this blog myself. Oh! How much has changed! I found myself going into 2010 thinking it was going to be a great year. I had an amazing man by my side, my beautiful daughter was safe and happy, and I found in January that I was pregnant. I was full of anticipation for the future and making plans for my family.

Fast forward 9 months to September 21, 2010. I arrived at the hospital for a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks pregnant and to my shock and horror, my worst fears had become reality. My son, Noah Daniel, had no heart beat. I was induced for natural labor and gave birth to my beautiful sleeping baby boy at 12:53am on September 22, 2010. His cord was wrapped tightly around his neck and shoulders multiple times and the umbilical hernia which had been detected on ultrasound earlier in the pregnancy was worse than we thought. Had Noah been born alive, he would have lived a very sick life that most likely would not have lasted more than a few weeks.

How did this happen? I had felt him moving the night before as I laid in bed giddy with anticipation of his coming arrival. This wasn't my life! This was not supposed to happen! It was all a bad dream! A dream I haven't woken from. It wasn't a dream, it was the crusher of all my dreams. This WAS my life.

6 weeks later, I still wake up some mornings and think that I'm still pregnant. I still feel sometimes like one day I'll have my precious Noah. I know that I won't ever have him back with me on this earth. Some days are easier than others to face that reality. The reality is though, that I would give anything to be able to hold him just one more time; to smell his skin, play with his blond hair, and kiss his soft lips. The reality is that some days, my heart literally hurts and my body physically aches to feel the weight of him in my arms.

I was sitting outside today looking at the trees. It is autumn. The season between summer and winter. The transition from hot to cold. The leaves are falling. Many already have. As autumn is in full swing and winter approaches, the earth is slowly preparing around us. It may look as though the earth is dying, but it's not. The trees do not die, nor do the bears or the birds. The trees and bears sleep, and the birds fly south to a warmer, sunnier place.

Autumn has come to pass in my life this year. I've already transitioned from the hot to the cold. From the joy of high hopes and dreams, to the lonely chill of grief. I am in the middle of my own emotional winter. Some days I feel like I've been snowed in. But I know that while Noah may no longer be with us on this earth, in Christ, he did not die. He is like the trees or the bears...sleeping. He is the birds who fly south for the winter. Noah is in Heaven in the warmth and sunlight of God and His presence while I continue to dredge through the winter here on earth. I hold on to my belief that one day, when God takes me away, I will go home to Noah and I will be able to hold him in my arms in that warmth and sunlight. I hold onto looking forward to summer.

Summer may be closer than I think or it could be many many years away. Only God knows when that day will come for me. In the mean time, I can only take it one day at a time and wait for spring. Spring is the season when the trees bloom, the bears come out of hibernation and the birds return. I've had days that have felt like spring. God has given me many moments and even days filled with peace and comfort.

My winter has made me jaded. I live now with a whole new way to look at things. Yet somehow through all of this, I have found a new reason to live and new purpose in life. I'm not sure what that purpose is yet. I will pray and trust God and let Him lead me to it when the time is right. But I know that I have a purpose. I know that Noah had a purpose and that God uses all things for good and I know that somehow, someday I will see that.

Nothing will make it hurt any less. Nothing will ever bring my Noah back. But I can start to create my own spring. Instead of focusing my attention and energy into crying, I can channel that into helping others. Somewhere in helping heal others, you yourself heal. I truly believe that.

What my next step is, I don't know. All I do know, is that one day...one day it will be summer and I will be with my Noah. Until that day I will ask God to keep me warm in my winter and let Him lead me to my spring.

Reflections

So here we are, at the end of 2009. Another year has passed. An extremely challenging year to say the least. 2009 was a year of loss, of heartache, and of tears. It was a year of leaning, listening, and learning. God definitely tested me for most of the year on my obedience, my ability and willingness to submit and to lean on Him, and my patience. After losing my home and pretty much everything I own, the demise of relationships, and the discovery of a very real and a very serious situation going on in my midst, I was left hopeless and broken by autumn. As the leaves fell so did my hopes and dreams. When I felt alone and like I would never recover, God showed up in a very real way in my life. I was bombarded with scriptures, books, television, and radio all on the subject of the book of Ruth. I read Ruth over and over again. I read commentaries, listen to preachers. I soaked in the book of Ruth over the span of a few weeks. I leaned on God. I listened for His voice. I learned from Him what He was trying to show me. I identified myself with both Naomi and Ruth. I found comfort and peace in this book of the Bible, like I never had before.
I was comforted by the fact that although I was alone and my dreams had been shattered, Jesus was my kinsman-redeemer. He would claim me as His every time, and take care of me, and love me. It took weeks of God shoving this story in my face for me to realize that while the dreams I had made were shattered, the dreams He had weren't. I let go of the plans I had made for myself and opened myself up to the plans which He had made for me. It wasn't too long before my earthly Boaz came along and I realized that all of my pain was taking me to where I was meant to be. That I had to go through the things I went through to make it to my destination. God showed me that He doesn't make mistakes, and that even when you are left with no hope in the bottom of a dark pit screaming out "Why God?", He is there. He may not answer right away, but He isn't ignoring you, He's asking you to wait. And if you do, oh! If you wait patiently, and you trust, things you would had never imagined for yourself will come to be. You will end up with better than you ever imagined!
So as I move into 2010 with my Boaz by my side, I will be thanking and praising my heavenly Boaz for the amazing work He has done in my life and in me this year. I will thank Him for the challenges and the hardships I endured in '09, for they have all brought me to where I am today. And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

He's Not Finished With Me Yet

Please take the time to watch the video I have posted above. I heard this song on the radio the other day and I almost cried. I felt like I should be singing this song, like these were my words. Let me explain....

In a time when the economy has taken the biggest hit since the Great Depression, unemployment has skyrocketed, homes are being foreclosed on, and families are losing everything, I am one of the millions who have been effected. Along with poor financial choices of my own, I am now feeling like the biggest failure of my life. I see others struggle but manage to get by, and I beat myself up thinking of all of the things I could have done to prevent myself from the situation I am in now. I am not the only person in my position by far, but it is really lonely down here at the bottom.

I could go on and on about how badly I feel lately and how discouraging the job market can be but you know that already. We all feel badly and wish that our individual situations were a little better or more stable. Recently for me, I have found hope and peace amidst the chaos.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine shared the story of her battle with cancer. This woman is one of the most amazing women I know. She said that she thanked God for trusting her with His plan. Knowing that there had to be some reason why she would develop such a terrible disease, knowing that it was a part of God's bigger plan someway and somehow, she actually thanked God for trusting her with the task. Wow! This was shared during a series on Habakkuk at my church, Paradox. Habakkuk has long been a book that I have found peace and refuge in (could you tell by the name of my blog? lol) so I was so excited for it. I did not leave church dry eyed one week of the three week series. Then, I hear this amazing song. God was really trying to hammer this one into my brain.To indirectly quote my pastor from the Habakkuk series: Life is full of dips. When you are in a dip, that is when you have a choice. You can question your faith or abandon it, you can fake your way through it, or you can grab a hold of God and hold on for the ride knowing that while it won't be easy, you will come out better and stronger for it.

I'm telling you now, this is one roller coaster ride that I am scared senseless of, but I am holding on tight and I will not let go! Just like the song above says, I know that God has a plan for me. This isn't the end of the story. If this was it, if I was just supposed to struggle in every aspect of my life and no good could come of it to anyone, then that would be a pointless existence. Nothing God does or allows is pointless. There is a reason and a plan for everything. His perfect plan! I want to see what it is. I will wait and see. I encourage you to do the same. Keep strong in your faith and hold on tight. Yell and scream and ask Him the hard questions. Tell Him you don't understand. Once you've got it all out of you, grasp on to Him and don't let go, even if it gets worse before it gets better. He has a plan for you, you just have to stick around to see it.

I'd like to close with a verse that I found the other night. I was in my bedroom asking God when this plan was gonna roll into action because I am pretty impatient and I'd like to get back on track and feel like things are good again. Ha! Like He was going to tell me that He'd fit me in on Tuesday at 11:45am to fix it all...lol. This is the answer I got...

"But I the Lord will speak what I will, and it shall be fulfilled without delay. For in your days...I will fulfill whatever I say, declares the Sovereign Lord" Ezekiel 12:25

Patience. It will be fulfilled. His perfect plan will all fall into place in His timing. Time to take my watch off and trust in Him. Time to focus only on Him, and who He is, not what He can do for me. Time to jump in to my Abba Fathers arms and trust Him to take care of me, and He will. It may not turn out my way or be done in my time, but I know that when this is all over, that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. That I will have learned and grown into a new, wiser, better, stronger person, in life and in faith. And hey, maybe I can help encourage some others along the way.

"There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans He's made for me. I'll have to wait and see. He's not finished with me yet" Brandon Heath.

Love, Kelly

A special thank you to Craig McGlassion and Marie Izzi for your wisdom and inspiration.

Don't Miss the Boat

I came upon a verse today that I felt compelled to share. It is simple and straight forward; it does not leave much to interpretation. You can't read it and try to make it mold to you in a certain situation in your life or into the answer to a prayer you have been praying. It is what it is and it says what it says. I have somehow never heard this verse brought up in church and I am kind of puzzled as to why. It says it all.

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
Matthew 7:21-23 (NIV)

Another translation makes it even clearer if possible what is being said.

"Knowing the correct password-saying 'Master, Master,' for instance-isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience-doing what my Father wills. I can see it now-at the Final Judgement thousands strutting up to me saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You do not impress me one bit. You're out of here.'
Matthew 7 (The Message)

Going to church on Sunday, attending Wednesday night Bible study, putting "Christian" on your Facebook page, even holding fundraisers at your church or doing an inner city outreach or going on missions trips DO NOT get you into Heaven. Look deeply and honestly inside yourself to find if there has ever been something you have done or said not for the glory of God, but because it made you look good? Honestly, I have. Do you go to church or participate in God-sponsored projects just so you appear to be a "good Christian"?

SERIOUS obedience, DOING the Lord's will; that is what it is all about. Not being a "Christian", but a Christ Follower. It is a challenge that we will fail at every hour of every day. Yet if we acknowledge our shortcomings and repent, we change our attitudes, heart, and motives, and we put all of our trust and love and our entire lives in Him for His glory, and renounce ourselves to any and all credit or praise, we have gotten on that boat.

I don't know much, I can tell you that. I can't tell you what my future holds. I cannot even honestly tell you what I want for my future, because I am open to the things and places where God wants me and await his will for me with curiosity and excitement. I do know one thing for sure though. There is one thing that I know more than anything else on this earth. I do not want to be in front of Jesus at the Final Judgement and have Him say to me "You missed the boat. You do not impress me. You're out of here!"

Do you?

Mother's Day

With Mother's Day approaching, I find myself looking back on my life. At the beautiful 13 months I have had with my daughter, Ashton, and the 25 years I have spent with my own mother. I realized that although times are tough, money is tight, and life isn't exactly what I dreamed it would be when I was young, I am the luckiest woman alive. I was blessed with a mother who saved my soul, and a daughter who saved my life.

My mother is the most amazing woman that I know. I feel privileged to call her my mother and hope that I am one day like her. She has amazing faith and a love for Christ like no one else I know. I am constantly learning new things from her. What is most amazing about her is that she is also my best friend. It wasn't always like that though. She was first and foremost my mother and then a friend. She disciplined me when I needed it and was there for me when I needed a shoulder. She always made her faith and her wish for my walk with God apparent, but she never pushed it on me. She knew that with trust and prayer, I would eventually see the light of God and it may have taken some time, but I did. I know that even when times were tough and my life was a mess, she was praying all day long some days for my safety and my return to Christ. Through her prayers, and God's will, I am here today healthy and happy. She was an example of what a strong Christian woman should be and I owe my eternal life, the salvation of my soul, to her wonderful and consistent example of walking with Christ.

Now on my second Mother's Day, I look at my daughter and smile. She is truly a gift from God, the miracle that saved my life. At the end of a long road of self destruction, I found myself pregnant. Not the worst of news, but not the best in my book either. It was that little life inside of me that made me change my ways. I knew that it was time to stop pretending I was a rock star and get my life in order. Now, almost 2 years clean, I can't even imagine why I lived like that. It was a void I was trying to fill, pain I was trying to conceal that drove me down a path of sin. Now God fills that void and heals my pain. Ashton literally saved my life. If it weren't for her, I would probably be dead or in jail right now.

My only hope is that I can be a blessing to her like she has already been a blessing to me. That I can be the mother to her that my mother was to me. I hope that one day she will look at me the same way that I look at my mother. I have truly been blessed beyond belief and I know now that I am where I am supposed to be: walking in Christs footsteps with an amazing example next to me to help me when I am lost, and a beautiful baby girl on the other side, who has now two great examples as she grows up in Christ.

Mom, I thank you for your endless support and love. You have been a true angel to me and I am so lucky to have you to turn to. You are an example and a teacher to so many, but there are few of us who can call you Mom, and I have never been prouder to be one of them. I love you. Happy Mother's Day.

Life Lessons from Nick Jr.

I, like any other mom, know all of the words to the catchy theme songs and repetitive jingles that they sing through out the vast array of Nick Jr. shows. One in particular caught me off guard today and got me thinking. Watching "Ni Hao, Kai-lan" I heard this song come on:
"In everything you do, think of what your friends need too!"

What a good lesson to teach children. Think of other people before you think of yourself. Hm mm, sounding familiar.
"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." 1John 3:11
"My command is this: Love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12
"The second [greatest command] is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' "Mark 12:31a

Those are just a few examples of the Lord's command to "think of what our friends need too".

As a child, we can see a cartoon teaching about sharing and have a whole new attitude at our next play date. Instead of taking the doll or truck and refusing to let anyone else come near it, we offer it up to a friend freely. We hold out our bowl of animal crackers to another tot at the park to see if he would like some. Yet as an adult, we develop an enormous case of road rage when the car in front of us lets someone in front of them. We fight over jeans at the "One Day Only" sale to make sure we get those Levis at 50% off. We do the stupidest things, not thinking one ounce about someone else. We throw everything but our own motives and needs to the waste side. Why?

Has loving one another become passe? Are we all just so jaded by the ways of the world, that we have developed some sort of "survival of the fittest" mentality?

I often watch my daughter with amazement at the way that everything is new to her. All day she is learning and absorbing information. What she sees, she wants to touch and taste in order to decipher what the object is and what it's all about. I am a little jealous of her at times that she has such a fresh mind. She has yet to be jaded and diluted by the world. She has never felt heartbreak or betrayal. If only I could get back to that state of mind. If I could wipe away years of hurts and fears and become so open to knew information.

I am a very regimented person. I do the same things every day at the same time, in the same order. If something upsets that schedule, trust me, you do not want to be in my way. I tend to be the same way in my thinking. Many adults are. You know what you know, you think what you think, you're right and their wrong and that is that! It is time to let go of that thought process! It is time to open up and be conscious of others and their needs, before ours!

As Ashton watches everything that I do and repeats it as best as she can, I will do the same with Christ. I will watch Him through Scripture and do my best to repeat His life as closely as possible. My first mission will be to love! This will be a hard one for me. To take myself out of the equation and put others, even strangers before me. Strangers especially, "...for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it" Hebrews 13:2.

I encourage you to take on this challenge as well and really start thinking about how you are loving others and if you are loving the way that the Lord wants us to love. Please pray for me in my journey, I will pray for you in yours.

What makes me smile

Every morning I wake up to my beautiful daughters face. She wakes me up usually about two hours before I would like to be awake, but that's OK. I get her breakfast and turn on Blues Clues. Once she is all set, I start my day with the two things I could not live with out, coffee and God(not in order of importance obviously). While I drink my fresh, vanilla flavored wake up call, I pray, read my Bible and allow God to point me in the right direction for my day. This particular morning, I came across an amazing passage and wanted to share it with you.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. "
1 John 3:1

I think I may have read that verse almost 10 times! I got so excited! I then changed the us' to me's.
How great is the love the Father has lavished on ME, that I should be called a child of God! And that is what I am! The reason the world does not know me is that it does not know Him.
How great it is! I am a child of God! Me, of all people. After all I have been through, after all of the things I have done, I am a child of God.

I have often felt rejected, and out of place since my journey with Christ began. Once I started living for Him and not for myself and my pleasure, I felt like an outcast in many places I had been comfortable before. "They think it strange that you do not plunge with them into the same flood of dissipation, and they heap abuse on you." 1 Peter 4:4
That's exactly how I felt. Sometimes I'd over think it and I would feel bad, even a little lonely at times. I would think that maybe fitting in was easier. Then I would remember:
"...we have an obligation -but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature , you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of your body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God." Romans 8:12-14

And that is what I am! I am a child of God! How great is that! And in all truth, not fitting in is a good thing. Who would want to fit in with the people who live of this world? I don't! So maybe sometimes I feel uncomfortable because I talk, think, and act differently that some people, but why should I let that bother me? From here on out, I will not! And my prayer is that you will not either. Let us never forget that Jesus was a "misfit", and if we want to hang with Him, well...it's a small price to pay. Because nothing makes me smile more that saying aloud "I AM A CHILD OF GOD!"